dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
