i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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