can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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