AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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