im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I am mentally ready for anal.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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