Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
