And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
