I accidentally burped into my bong.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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