Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
