She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
