you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
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come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
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Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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