life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
