Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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