its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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