I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
