I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
