I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
