Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
