checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
