Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
