im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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