I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I want to be your penis for a week.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
