i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
