Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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