I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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