I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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