eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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