I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
