Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
There r osticjed everywhere
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
