Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
