at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
