WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
