I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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