My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
