Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
