I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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