He uses pillows to masturbate.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
