i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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