took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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