Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
