An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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