We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
