i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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