I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
