Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Shame is for Republicans.
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