just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
