Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
