You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You don't make any sense
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