i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
