why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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