There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
