i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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