you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
